im so tired but ill probably be awake until 3 am for no reason
the past two days, i have been running with my friend’s little brother at a local park.
i am not eating enough. i get dizzy, my heart rate soars, my blood pressure plummets. my muscles ache. my body is showing me i am not eating enough, yet i refuse to listen. i don’t listen because i am sitting here looking like a monster. enormous. disgusting. i don’t need to eat more, because i am absolutely grotesque. nothing has changed. my eating disorder rules my life. it provides all of the excuses, all of the rules for my intake. it shows me the creature in the mirror and points out every single flaw. i’m starting to think what it says is the truth.
the worst thing about this park?
this is the park where i was nearly assaulted. i run by those bushes, and all i can think of are his hands, his voice, his breath, his laugh. i can’t breathe, my chest tightens up, and i panic. but i can’t let anyone know. they can’t know about it. they can’t.
i see Z everywhere. he doesn’t go away. he has permeated every aspect of my life. i can never escape.
everything is crumbling, myself included. surrounded by darkness, there is no way out. my messed up brain has turned my life into a dark room with no windows or doors. everyone else can come and go as they please. i can hear them talking, but they can’t hear me scream. i am doomed to be alone in the dark.
i am a failure. a complete and total failure. self harm would be visible failure. i shouldn’t want it so badly. i shouldn’t crave it. it’s like i am missing something that is keeping me alive. i am a failure as a daughter, as a friend, as a patient, as a human.